by Neil Bauman, Ph.D.
© June 6, 2009
A concerned daughter wrote:
My mother, who is 83, has hearing loss and lives alone in an apartment in a quiet area. My brother lives next door. She has been hearing phantom music for some years now, and we cannot get her to accept that it is all in her head. We have taken her to several doctors for help, but they don’t seem like they want to be bothered. She has had tests which have come back fine, so she refuses to believe that it is her.
She is accusing the woman that lives next door to my brother of playing music all day. Then she is accusing my brother of continuing playing the same music when he gets home from work and all night long.
We have had people go over to her place to listen, and when they tell her they don’t hear anything, she insists that they are all crazy. We have tried everything we can to convince her that she is the only one hearing the music, and that she has MES [Musical Ear Syndrome]. She refuses to accept it. Do you know of someone we can talk to, or some place we can take tor to that will help us convince her of her problem? We are at the end of our rope and need help!
I understand. Doctor’s don’t seem to be of much help, mostly, I think, because they know nothing about Musical Ear Syndrome (MES). As a result, they don’t have a clue how to treat it—so give you the brush-off.
Unfortunately, I’m not aware of any doctor or facility that is truly knowledgeable about MES and hearing loss, and thus is qualified to help your mom.
The best information available on MES (at least in my opinion, and I’m a wee bit biased because I wrote it) is the article “Musical Ear Syndrome—The Phantom Voices, Ethereal Music & Other Spooky Sounds Many Hard of Hearing People Secretly Experience“, and my book on the subject “Phantom Voices, Ethereal Music & Other Spooky Sounds“.
Now let’s look at your mom’s situation. Blaming the neighbors for the phantom music she is hearing is unfortunately, a common tactic for those that experience MES and refuse to admit these sounds are phantom. I hear such complaints quite often. Since this phantom music often appears to have directionality, your mom “KNOWS” it is coming from the room next door (as opposed to the one across the hall, or on the other side of the street, etc.) This gives an added layer of reality to these phantom sounds, which makes it so much more difficult for her to accept that these sounds are all in her head.
Some people also “feel” their phantom music—they can actually “feel” the room or floor vibrating in time to the music. When you “hear” music, can tell exactly from which direction it is coming, and can “feel” the beat, can you blame someone for refusing to accept that the music is phantom? That’s how “real” it is to them.
From time to time, I both “hear” and “feel” certain phantom sounds so I know just how eerily real these sensations truly are. This is quite a hurdle to overcome, and is one of the problems your mom has to deal with.
When she hears the phantom music so loud and clear, it is hard for her to accept that other people can’t hear the same music she is hearing. As you explained, “We have also had people go over to her place to listen and when they tell her they don’t hear anything, she insists that they are all crazy.”
Some people even insist that these “listeners” are hard of hearing themselves, and that is why they can’t hear the music. Your mom says they are crazy instead.
You are doing the right things in getting others to listen and corroborate what you already have found out, that there isn’t any real music playing.
In my experience, a number of people in their 80s and older refuse to accept this. (People in their 60s and 70s are much more willing to accept a hearing person’s word that the music is phantom.) However, when people reach their 80s and 90s often it is like talking to a brick wall. You just can’t seem to get through to them as is the case with your mom even though they are not crazy.
I think the real underlying problem is that to her, if a person hears “voices” or music, they are crazy. That is her only point of reference, and she has held this deeply-rooted belief all her life. Therefore, if she admits that what she hears is all in her head, then she is admitting, at the same time, that she, herself, is crazy. Although she may secretly believe that she IS going crazy, she will never admit it to anyone else. Therefore, the only alternative she has (from her perspective) is to believe that the sounds are indeed real, and therefore, someone or something is causing them.
If she would listen and try to understand, you can explain that there are not one, but two kinds of phantom sounds—the kind she knows about (and fears) where the person has a mental problem, and the other kind, which we call MES (and which she has not heard anything about) that happens to many hard of hearing people who are perfectly sane (but who are, at times, completely fooled by the activity going on in the auditory circuits of their brains). This will be a new concept for her, and some elderly people have a most difficult time grasping such new concepts. Continue to drill it into her that it is her ears (actually the auditory circuits in her brain) that are not working properly, and that she is not crazy (or whatever favorite term she uses).
In addition, many elderly people have very short memory spans for current events, so what you explain to them today, they have forgotten by tomorrow. Thus each day you may need to explain over again about the phantom music.
Another important aspect of this problem is dealing with the supposed perpetrators of the “music”. What happens is the person with MES begins to think very badly towards the neighbor who is so “mean” and “inconsiderate” as to play this loud music all night long just so they can’t sleep.
The person with MES may knock on their neighbor’s door at 3 o’clock in the morning and demand they turn the music off. They may complain to the other neighbors about the “bad” neighbor, refuse to talk to them, or snub them in the dining room.
By the same token, the “bad” neighbor gets tired of all the false accusations and gossip about them and snubs her “crazy” neighbor.
Make no mistake, there are often very real interpersonal problems between those involved. Thus, you need to try to defuse this situation as much as possible. Explain to the “bad” neighbor what is going on, and how MES sounds seem so real and have direction so that they are being blamed for something this is not their fault at all.
When the neighbors and management understand what is going on, they can make allowances for her, and hopefully keep the situation from escalating.
my female relative is 77 and hears telephone ringing which wakes her up at night, she blames the local telco (BT UK) she has progressed to the wire going upstairs sets of the smoke detector (which she has removed the baterries from) and “blasts her out of bed at 3am 4am & 5am) her own words. Now she has thrown the smoke detectors in the dustbin. All phones have been disconnected so cannot ring so now it is the remote control for the TV, or the sound comes out of the hole in the telephone socket, which she has stuffed with tissue paper. We have recorded all audio sounds overnight for 4 days and heard nothing. Now all the telephone wiring has been disconnected in the house except for the main socket
we have read your and followed your advice, but the problem is not going away, with the relative becoming more abusive towards those trying to help.
My mother was acting the same way. All she needed was hearing aids
Hi Janet:
Getting hearing aids can work for people that have a significant hearing loss that is the major cause of their Musical Ear syndrome sounds. But it definitely doesn’t work for all people. And it may not work overnight when she takes her hearing aids off. He MES could come back. However, every hour that she doesn’t hear the MES sounds is a blessing.
Cordially,
Neil
Hi Ben:
When a person refuses to accept that the sounds they are hearing are truly phantom and are non-psychiatric in origin, there is not much you can do to help them.
When this happens, they may need to see a psychiatrist. It would be a good idea to explain to the Doctor what is really going on and if he is not familiar with MES, to give him a copy of my article to read. Then it’s up to the doctor to figure out how best to help the person. You’ve done everything you can at this point.
Regards
Neil
I seem to be hearing a radio with talking voices..I listen alot to NPR..muffled, howvever, on going
I just read something about Sundowners syndrome. My son’s grand mother hears knocking at her door and her telephone rings all night. But none of this really happens. Check Sundowners Syndrome.
Hi Sherry:
Sundowner syndrome, where you get more and more confused and agitated as the day wears on, and Musical Ear Syndrome, where you hear phantom sounds, are two entirely different conditions. With Musical Ear Syndrome the person hears phantom sounds. Typically they hear them at night for the simple reason that at night all is quiet and external auditory stimulus is minimal. So if you didn’t know the details about Musical Ear Syndrome you might think that your loved one had Sundowner syndrome, but from everything I know that is not true. Musical Ear Syndrome is hearing things that are not there. Sundowner syndrome is mental agitation and confusion at the end of the day.
Cordially,
Neil
Most people are aware that a person who has had limb removed will feel phantom itching or pain. Perhaps explaining to the elderly person that the sounds they hear are like phantom itching will help them to understand that it is real to them, but others cannot hear it.
About a year ago, I was pushing my mother in her wheelchair, to put her to bed for the night. As soon as we got in her room, we both started hearing soft bell ringing. Something similar to lightly hitting a spoon on a wine glass. We both reacted to it at the same time. The sound was chiming at different intervals and volume. To be sure she actually heard the same thing, I asked her what it sounded like to her and she said a bell. The sound came directly in from of us and below. Everything was off in the house. Absolutely no background sounds. I live in the sticks, with no one living near by and I don’t have wind chimes outside. The sound only lasted about 10 to 15 seconds. Never happened again. I had just got done cleaning the room. There is nothing in there that can make that sound.
My mother has been known to think she’s hearing things that aren’t there but she had a witness with this one! I’m not incline to blame it on a ghost, but it definitely lacks any logical explanation. Just know that sometimes the elderly isn’t imagining things!
my mom is 80 she thinks that i placed a noise maker in the house she called the police several times on me what can I do
Hi Jacob:
As I mentioned in the article, there is little you can do when an elderly person refuses to accept that they are hearing phantom sounds. The best thing is to educate those around her what is going on in her head so they understand what is happening and can make allowances for her. This includes educating the police department so when they come in response to her calls they know what is going on. It would be good for them to read this article and my main article on Musical Ear Syndrome.
You didn’t mention what kind of noise she thinks she is hearing–your noisemaker. Is it voices/musical in nature or more like white noise? The former would be MES while the latter would typically be one of the many tinnitus sounds.
Cordially,
Neil
Oh my goodness, so happy to see me and. My husband are not alone with this problem. My mother in law is driving her neighbor and us round the bend with the accusations about a neighbor playing music in the middle of the night. We have tried everything but she bangs on the radiator and rings their doorbell in the night. Can’t seem to get any help
Hi Jan:
What kind of help do you want? Drugging her would stop her from doing that, but then she’d just be a zombie and that’s no way to live.
How old is she? Does she understand that this is not a mental illness, so its ok for her to hear these phantom sounds? What does she say when you explain what she is hearing? I assume you have gone over the main MES article listed in this article with her. That really is an eye-opener to some people. Others just get mad and say it doesn’t apply to them because the sounds are real, not phantom.
Cordially,
Neil
Hi,
My 89 year old mom thinks a “boy” in the neighborhood is watching her 24/7. She thinks he is drilling into the foundation of her house to put in a camera or other device to know what she is doing. She also says she feels her floors vibrating but no one else does. We had cameras installed and in five years there is no evidence of anyone doing anything to her. She is very hard hearing. She gets very angry with me when I tell her I don’t see what she sees. She also smells a sickening smell at times and thinks the “boy” is somehow piping it into her house. I have never smelled anything. Please help me explain her problem is in her head.
Thanks.
Hi Karen:
Your mom is deluded and has built what to her is a plausible story around what she “hears” and “feels”–although these things are totally phantom. It is not unusual to “feel” sounds. For example, drilling vibrates through whatever is being drilled so if she “hears” drilling, it wouldn’t be unusual to also “feel” the drilling vibrations at the same time. When this happens, it is so hard to believe that two of your five senses are telling you lies at the same time. It’s much easier to believe that what they are telling you is true.
She gets angry at you because you are disagreeing with what her “senses” are telling her are true. And if you are right and she is wrong, then there must be something wrong with her–that she is crazy. Again, no one wants to be thought crazy, and the thought scares her, so she has to insist that she is right and thus you are wrong because she CAN’T be crazy.
Other senses can be deluded too–thus her sense of smell is also acting up causing other problems.
If you can get through to her so she can see that you can have these phantom occurrences, but not by crazy–because they are not psychiatric occurrences, but just simply that her brain is not interpreting some of her sense signals quite right anymore.
If she will accept this, great. If not, I don’t know how to get through to a person that refuses to accept this. Read her the appropriate parts of this response to your inquiry. She may accept it from a stranger, but not from you. That is about all you can do.
Cordially,
Neil
I too have a parent that I believe is experiencing MES. Complaints have ranged from playing ’99 Bottle of Beer’ repeatedly to ‘loud noises’ intentionally directed at her apartment Her doctor is aware of this situation and I have suggested MES along with providing a copy of the article to the physician. The doctor has tried to refer her to an ENT for evaluation over the past two years but that has been met resistance.
At 85, she will not accept the possibility of MES as I have suggested, and is now in her third apartment complex, upset and accusatory. She wants to retain a lawyer to sue all three apartment complexes. In the meantime, I have tried to remain calm while she reminds me I am not a good child because I don’t support her or her claims. I worry she may run out of options for living arrangements as her behavior escalates.
Hi Dr. Neil,
I work at an apartment complex where we have an elderly man who I believe is experiencing MES, or at least a variation on it. He has said for 2 years that any person above him is “working out” and slamming weights down in the middle of the night. He calls our courtesy officer nearly every night, who always determines that there are no sounds, and that usually no one is even home above him. He even called the police while the apartment sat vacant for over 4 months, and then gave us a salty notice of intent to move out, giving his reason as “psycho goofy stompers upstairs.” He has had 3 different individuals live above him, and claims the same thing whether the person is home, whether the apartment is vacant, etc. He is currently in the process of trying to sue his upstairs neighbor, and we are caught in the middle, it’s getting ridiculous. It would be helpful if we could tell the upstairs neighbor that we suspect that he is having delusions, but privacy issues don’t permit us to share anything about the health of residents without their permission. He is in his 80s, and due to his age, he cancelled his move out notice and is unable to move.
In your experience, is there a way to definitively prove to a person experiencing this that the sound is not real? We are to the point of purchasing a sound recorder that he can operate at will and play back for us. Do you think he could accept the fact that it isn’t real if we are able to show him that his recordings are silent? Has anyone else had any success with something similar? We are desperate, as no one will stay above this man after having the cops called on them continually.
Hi CC:
From what you describe, I’d say this man definitely has MES. He’s just not hearing the typical MES sounds, but he is certainly acting the way people with MES do until/unless they realize that these sounds are all phantom.
It’s not a matter of proving to the person the sounds are not real. You could easily have done this when the apartment is empty–when he complains–take him upstairs right then and let him see that the apartment is empty–no source of weights dropping on the floor etc.
He could also prove it to himself–if he’s in bed, hold the pillow over his ears and if the sounds are just as loud, they must be phantom because real sounds would be a lot softer if he could even hear them through the pillow.
The problem is getting the person to accept that he is hearing phantom sounds–that they are not real sounds. But to his mind, that would be admitting he is nuts and no one wants to admit that. So he continues to put the blame elsewhere–on others–including the phantom people in the apartment when it is empty.
The trick is to get him to realize and then admit that it is “all in his head” but that this is not as sign of mental illness.
Unfortunately, when you try to convince him of this, he is just likely to get mad at you. For example, you could take two or three people to his apartment when he hears these phantom sounds. When he says he hears something–“did you hear that” and they all agree there wasn’t any sound–that should be proof enough–especially if one of them was an authority figure such as a policeman. The chances are he will say you all are hard of hearing and can’t hear these sounds. Remember, they sound real to him so he cannot differentiate between them and real sounds.
It certainly makes sense to try a sound recorder–but don’t say I didn’t tell you that he won’t accept it. He will likely blame it as not working or whatever.
The best tactic, if he still has “all of his marbles” is to teach him about MES–let him read my comprehensive article on the subject at http://hearinglosshelp.com/blog/musical-ear-syndrome-the-phantom-voices-ethereal-music-other-spooky-sounds-many-hard-of-hearing-people-secretly-experience/. Show him that if you have this condition, you have a problem with your ears/auditory circuits not working quite right–and that this is a BENIGN condition. It is NOT a MENTAL condition. In other words, he is not “crazy”. Rather, his brain is playing some tricks on him.
Explain this this is quite common in people as they get older (and often have a hearing loss). If he is willing to accept that he is hearing such phantom sounds, and that he is NOT crazy, you’ve basically won the battle.
If he cannot/will not accept that these are phantom sounds, you’re sort of stuck. I don’t know how to reach him.
What would happen if all else fails, that you agree to move him to the top floor so there is no one above him to make any sounds. Then if he “hears” such sounds, you can keep on telling him there is nothing above him to make any sounds. (I wouldn’t be surprised then if he begins hearing the person BELOW him making sounds.) LOL Some people have moved to a different apartment complex–but the sounds follow them after a few weeks.
Success only comes if the person is willing to accept that the sounds are phantom.
Some people will accept that when you tell them, but they have short memories and forget. Thus, you have to tell them day after day.
It really is a tragic situation, and very difficult to deal with.
Cordially,
Neil
Hi
My next door neighbor is elderly and we reckon she has some form of Phantom hearing problems. She complains and argues that she can hear music and muffled voices happening at 3am in the morning which is completely not true as we are asleep before midnight.
She thinks we have a washing machine running and a TV in every room in the house and that they are running all night long. Which is completely false.
We don’t want to fall out with her but the accusations are becoming more frequent.
Please help!
Hi Christine:
You are in a tough place. You want to keep good relations with your neighbor–yet she is becoming more and more “hostile” since you refuse to cut out the racket (that is only in her head).
What I’d do, if you can work it into a conversation is to explain that you’ve discovered that many older people hear phantom sounds–and that this has nothing to do with mental illness at all, but is just one of those things that many older people experience.
You could then explain that I have studied this phenomenon extensively and written an article that explains what it is, and then print out and hand her a copy of my article “Musical Ear Syndrome—The Phantom Voices, Ethereal Music & Other Spooky Sounds Many Hard of Hearing People Secretly Experience“ found at http://hearinglosshelp.com/blog/musical-ear-syndrome-the-phantom-voices-ethereal-music-other-spooky-sounds-many-hard-of-hearing-people-secretly-experience/, and suggest she read it. She will then see that she is not alone in “hearing” strange phantom sounds.
If she is willing to do that and accept that she is hearing phantom sounds, you’ve won your neighbor to your side. If she refuses, then there is not much you can do. If you know her “kids”, let one of them read the article and try to enlist their help.
If that isn’t possible, keep that article on hand in case some day she calls the police on you for disturbing the peace–so they can read it and understand her problem, and that you are not causing any racket.
Cordially,
Neil
My 89 year old mother lives alone in her house. For the past year, she insists that someone rings her doorbell. It’s always around 4:00 a.m. and she says she wakes up and by the time she gets to the door no one is there. She was blaming the next door neighbor saying that he’s doing it to irritate her. We put in a camera outside and she would call me the next morning to check the camera because her bell rang again. There was no one on the camera. We disconnected her door bell in case it had a short in it and installed a wireless doorbell. She still insists someone is ringing her bell always about 4:00 a.m. not every night but about 2-3 nights a week. She does seem to have a hearing problem in at least one ear and finally went to see a doctor who took wax out of her ear but didn’t test her hearing. She blamed her hearing problem on the wax but I notice she still has the problem. She only hears the bell at night. Never during the day.
Hi Linda:
I think the reason she hears the “doorbell” at 04:00 is because she wakes up about then. Old people don’t sleep as long or deeply as younger people so this may be a time she wakes up before going back to sleep again. And thus her Musical Ear Syndrome kicks in and she hears the phantom doorbell.
Here’s one trick that may work. Have her deliberately turn off the doorbell before she goes to bed. Unplug it. Thus she knows the doorbell isn’t working. Then notice if she still complains about the doorbell. Some people find this fools their brains so they don’t hear their phantom sounds as they know the device can’t work.
It won’t work for everyone, but it’s worth trying.
Other than that, you’ve done what you need to do–the video camera was a great idea–so she can see that there wasn’t anybody ringing the doorbell. Unfortunately, elderly people sometimes/often can’t be convinced that the sound is phantom–it sounds so real, remember–so they refuse to accept it is phantom even with video (or other) proof. That’s a tough one to deal with.
Cordially,
Neil
Hi, I’m dating someone who is about 70 and has hearing loss. He keeps thinking that I am saying things that I am not, but includes parts of what I say in his assumptions. He’s not mean, he’s nice, but it’s frustrating and leads to misunderstanding. Like suppose I say, “There’s a 7 pm showing, an 8pm showing , and an 8:25pm showing. I can’t get there for the 7, but depending on if you want to do dinner before or after I could do 8 or 8:25.” He will say okay, let’s do dinner after, so I will think 8pm, but really he made up something in his head and sits around waiting for me at 6:30, convinced that we will do dinner after. He’ll say he’s happy to wait, but I never said anything about meeting so early and it gets frustrating. He is afraid to go to the doctor. I don’t want to break up, but may have to if
Hi MH:
Your friend needs to go to an audiologist, not a MD doctor and have a complete audiological evaluation. The Audiologist can then tell him whether hearing aids would help him. I bet they will.
Why is he afraid to go to the doctor? Is he afraid it will show he has a significant hearing loss (which he obviously has)?
If he won’t do anything about his hearing loss, you have to decide whether he is worth it or not. It will mean that you have to always do certain things so you know you are getting through to him.
It will involve ALWAYS getting close to him–in his face–talking slowly and clearly–and getting him to repeat back important information–and only what he repeats back is what he understands. It will be up to you to make sure ALL the important points are there.
My wife and I have to do this if we don’t have our hearing aids on, otherwise it is an exercise in futility. Hearing aids make it ever so much easier to communicate–even though I am a good speechreader and have been all my life.
Encourage him to go to an audiologist and offer to go with him for moral support if nothing else.
Cordially,
Neil
Thank you very much for this illuminating website. As a caregiver for my 94 year family member this has been an on going behavior for a couple of years. My prayers to those suffering as well as their caregivers. Best wishes and Thanks again.