by Neil Bauman, Ph.D.
A frustrated wife asked:
Can you please offer suggestions on how to live peacefully with a hearing impaired spouse who refuses hearing aids and other assistance?
My husband recognizes he has a “mild to moderate” hearing loss however, he does not admit to its severity, or how it affects his day to day life. He did obtain hearing aids on a one month trial and “didn’t like them”. He only wore them for a few hours on two or three days and refused to attend any of the classes offered by the hearing aid dispenser on how to use and adjust to them.
I have become his “hearing aid” both in and out of our home. At home, even though our television has closed captions, he continually interrupts my TV viewing, or attempts at reading to ask, “What did they say”. He does have remote earphones for TV viewing, but prefers not to wear them.
For me to talk with him, I must stand in front of him to get his attention and then speak slowly and loudly. My friends and coworkers complain that my speech has become very loud.
When we are out of the house, i.e. his recent medical appointment, he only heard those looking directly at him. The remainder of the time, I repeated the questions for him. We have not attended a movie in years, and rarely dine out or attend social events due to his problem.
I do not think he is going to change his behavior patterns. What can I do to make our mutual lives less stressful?
You are in a tough position. You can continue to put yourself out and be his “hearing aid” so he doesn’t get too upset about his hearing loss. He will then be reasonably happy. This will bring short-term peace. However, you will have to give up your own interests to be his “ears”. This will cause you to become resentful and angry at him, and that will not be good for your marriage. In other words, you can have peace in the short term, but this will ultimately erupt in war.
The better way to handle this situation is to exhibit “tough love” (which will likely result in some warfare now), but ultimately, it will bring long-term peace and harmony as needed changes take place.
Let me explain what I mean. Currently, your husband is still largely in denial. You cannot effectively help people when they are in denial because they don’t believe there is a problem in the first place, so why should they address it?
Your strategy is to keep the peace by being an enabler (being his hearing aid as you said). This strategy just helps him keep on denying that his hearing loss is a real problem.
The only way he is going to get out of denial and accept that his hearing loss is a real problem is if you don’t be his “ears” anymore. You need to let him make his own hearing mistakes. This will eventually bring home to him that he really does have a hearing problem, and that it is up to him to solve it.
Your husband gave his hearing aids a very cursory trial (a few hours over 2 or 3 days is not a fair trial) and announced they didn’t work for him. This is part of the normal reaction that those in denial make. If they don’t really have a hearing problem, then of course they don’t need hearing aids. (I’ll bet he only tried them at your insistence—not of his own free will.)
You see, now is not the right time for your husband to be trying out hearing aids even though he really does need them now. A person is ready to try out hearing aids only after he reaches the acceptance stage in the process of grieving for his hearing loss, not when he is still in denial. Your husband is just not psychologically ready at this point to wear hearing aids.
In any case, when your husband eventually realizes he needs hearing aids, he also needs to realize that it will take his brain up to 90 days to adjust to wearing hearing aids. It does not happen overnight.
Furthermore, I’ll bet your husband went about it all wrong in learning to wear his hearing aids. He likely wore them in loud places right at the start, announced he couldn’t hear a thing and yanked them out. The proper way to learn to wear hearing aids is slowly. You start out with an hour or so the first day and add half an hour a day to that on each successive day. At the same time, to begin with, you only wear them in quiet situations, then in slightly noisier places and finally in noisy situations after you are reasonably adjusted to wearing them.
Now, what can you do to help your husband? First, you have to stop being his “ears”. You need to let him “hear” on his own most of the time. There are situations when it is ok to jump in—for example, in emergencies—but when you do it all the time he will never change because he doesn’t have to face up to the problems his hearing loss is causing.
When he interrupts you to ask, “What did they say?” when he is watching the TV, all you have to say is “read the captions” and go back to whatever you were doing. He can read the captions as well as you can.
When you want to talk to him, you need to practice good hearing loss coping strategies. You say, “For me to talk with him, I must stand in front of him to get his attention, and then speak slowly and loudly.”
Believe it or not, this is proper procedure when talking to hard of hearing people. First you need to get close to him because the volume of sound drops off rapidly with increasing distance. Second, you need to get his attention. Wait until he is looking at you before you say a word. Just doing these two things will save you a lot of repeats ,and reduce frustration in both of you.
When you are with him at the doctor’s office, if he misses something, instead of repeating it for him, say to the medical staff, “Look directly at him when you are talking to him so he can hear you”. Do this as often as you have to, and eventually they will learn.
I sense that you are missing dining out and attending various social functions since your husband can’t hear in such situations. There are a number of good coping strategies to use in such places—but your husband has to be willing to do them—and he won’t do them while he is still in the denial stage. You’ll have to wait until he reaches the acceptance stage.
When he is ready, dining, even in noisier restaurants, can work very well if he uses the right assistive devices. For example, I use a PockeTalker personal amplifier and lapel microphone. I just clip the microphone on my wife and put ear buds in my ears (or use my hearing aids and a neckloop instead of the ear buds) and hear her wonderfully well. He could do the same, and you could chat again without a lot of hassle.
For social situations he could also do what I have found effective for myself. In such situations I use a super-directional handheld microphone plugged into my PockeTalker, and again use either my ear buds or hearing aids and neckloop. This way, I hear very well one-to-one as I walk around and chat.
Your husband will not change his behavior patterns until you quit acting as his ears. Thus, the first thing you have to do is quit your “ear” job. Tell him that he is going to have to hear for himself from now on. It shouldn’t take him too long to realize that he needs help. I know it is hard to refuse to be his “ears”, but that is what you have to do—”tough love,” remember.
Doing this is not going to make your mutual lives less stressful in the short term. You have to let it get worse so he moves out of the denial stage and accepts his hearing loss. He has to accept that it is his loss and thus he has to be a big part of the solution. There is going to be a bit of “rough sledding” before he accepts responsibility for his own hearing. Statistics show that the typical person takes an average of 7 years from the time he acquires a hearing loss until he is willing to do something about it.
Typically, people work though the 5 stages of grief as they learn to deal with their hearing loss. Denial is the first stage. After the denial stage comes the anger stage. Be prepared for this anger when you do not help him. You are the closest person to him, so unfortunately, you will bear the brunt of his anger. Don’t take it too personally.
This is not to say that you don’t love and support him. You can largely do this, not by nagging, but by suggesting a good way to cope in any given situation—for example, more closer so you can hear better, turn on the light so you can see what they are saying, mute the TV (or other background noise) when you want to talk so you’ll be able to hear better, etc.
Once he gets through the denial and anger stages, (I’m skipping the bargaining stage here) then comes the depression stage. This is where he will essentially give up acting like a hearing person. This sets the stage for his becoming the best hard of hearing person he can be. As he progresses through the depression stage, get ready for good things to happen as he starts to accept his hearing loss.
It is in the acceptance stage that he will become willing to do what he needs to do in order to hear as well as possible. Now, at last, he will be willing to try hearing aids, or use a an assistive device such as the PockeTalker, or read the closed captions on the TV. This all takes time. You can’t rush it. Each person progresses through the grieving process in his own time. (It often depends on how “stubborn” he is. Some of us men can be pretty stubborn, you know.)
The good news is that when he progresses to the acceptance stage, you will find it reasonably smooth sailing again, but to reach this point, you will have times of “heavy seas”. Encourage yourself that this too will pass. You just need to persevere. It won’t be easy, but it will be worth it!
You (and he) would do well to read my book, “Grieving for Your Hearing Loss—the Rocky Road from Denial to Acceptance“. This short book has helped many work though their grief due to their hearing losses.
Also, my book, “Keys to Successfully Living with Your Hearing Loss” covers the essential keys needed to successfully adjust to living as a hard of hearing person.
When he is ready, your husband may be interested in using a PockeTalker with a lapel microphone and/or a super-directional microphone. They really do work for me. They should also work well for him also.
My wife is in denial over her hearing loss. I persuaded her to have a hearing test, but that was hard. She said she’d tested it over the internet, but that only reinforced her view that there was nothing wrong. I eventually got her to a place offering free hearing tests, but she came out saying she was getting old and there was nothing really wrong – a bit like eyesight fading a bit at the extremes.
However, we can’t watch the TV without it booming away. We argue about the level – I have it at about 25, she has it it at over 40, and the max is 50. I am now wary about switching on anything – the car radio, the PC, the iPod, the CD player, the bedside radio – the sound is turned right up if she was last to use it. When I am watching/listening alone and she arrives, the first thing she does is crank up the volume, often to levels which I find hurtful. We then have a dispute about the level, which of course has to be high as cannot hear it otherwise.
She takes her CD/radio into the garden and turns it right up and I can see the neighbours giving me dirty looks, even though I am telling her turn it down. Even our children are telling her it’s too loud.
She fails to hear her mobile phone and complains it’s a poor phone. The landline volume is as high as it will go. She frequently fails to here the doorbell, again telling me we need a new one.
There are times when I know she has not heard me when she is not facing me, and I now make a concerned effort to face her (and to be in the same room) to talk with her.
I am getting exceedingly frustrated with both the high levels of noise and her denial. I hate to say it, but the house is a much more peaceful place when she not there and I can turn the volume down on the radio or TV.
When I confront, some how it turns out to be my fault, being an old man complaining about noise again.
My greatest fear is that there will soon be an occasion when she doesn’t hear when somebody tells her something important she is injured (or worse) as a result.
Thank you for listening to me.
I feel like your article was speaking to me in many ways. My husband has hearing aids and wore them twice. He refused to go back to check ups and pretty much gave up before really trying. I am so frustrated repeating myself and telling him things over and over. We fight over fact he claims he knows nothing about the details because he never heard us!lives in his own world, leaves house only to go to work…I don’t know how they haven’t noticed or said anything. I’ll bet they have and he hasn’t admitted it. We have not gone out in years and it makes me feel sad and lonely. I wish he would just try. I have multiple autoimmune conditions and pain conditions and I would gladly trade his disability for mine in a heart beat! I am definitely an enabler but I have come to do it for so long that I try not to repeat but I can’t help myself. My resolution this year is to try not to answer him. It’s going to make life even worse but I have to use tough love or live with it and I am just about at the end of my rope.
I wish I had hope but the reality of it is he is not going to change for me, for his kids or anyone no matter what we do.
I feel hopeless, someone once offered to speak to my husband but he would never return an email or listen to someone who could come over and talk to him. I’m the enabler but this borders on abuse because he is so angry all the time and yells loudly when he talks which hurts all of us including the dog.
Hello there, your situation is so much like mine and it makes me angry because my husband is stubborn… so I have been making a point of being in touch with other people. It’s not just a hearing issue it’s a social one so work on being more sociable and not relying on him for company as much… that’s the lesson I’ve taken from this… because let’s face it if they’re that stubborn, their actions demonstrate that we should seek out other company even if it means volunteering somewhere… hope this advice helps you dear
Joan, it has gotten really bad with my almost completely deaf husband. It’s been going on for almost 12 years. Refuses to do anything about his lack of hearing. Can’t even have a conversation without him blowing up. He talks over me, interrupts, has absolutely no respect. He always says I can hear you just fine. Or, I don’t answer because I don’t want to, I’m not interested in what you have to say. I say to him, your problem is way worse than lack of hearing then, you’re just a complete a******. There’s no cure for that other than me planning on getting the hell out of this marriage. The stress of being with him is making me sick. Already diagnosed with autoimmune diseases. His stubbornness and abusive behavior is a danger to my health. Very selfish. He only cares about himself.
yeah i know i am in the same boat. i am so tired of yelling to a stubborn jerk who won’t do anything to change and refuses to lower the volume, etc., you’re absolutely right they are worthless to live with we have to get out of these situations in the meantime do you have anywhere to go
I thought I was the only one feeling as you do 😢
Well this is crazy, I had forgotten I had written this message back in 2012. I am still married, still in same situation and still searching for answers. Covid has only made it so much worse. I feel like I am going out of my mind some days. I find myself going shopping, a lot and getting away from him on weekends. I feel sad that I wrote this message in 2012 and nothing has changed for me 10 years later, in fact it’s gotten worse if that is even possible.
Hi Kat:
If nothing has changed in 10 years, you can’t blame your husband. You have not changed–and you are the only person you can change. If you learn to practice “tough love” and follow through with it, something will change. It may not be pleasant, but it will change. I think you are afraid of the consequences, so you continue to acquiesce, rather than stand firm.
Cordially,
Neil
I feel so said about his hard hearing loss challenge. I do not know what to do.
My better half belongs to the very stubborn type. After a 51 years of marriage, I still can’t handle this huge challenge. I pray it gets better.
Your article helps me emotionally a lot.
Many, many thanks, Dr. Bauman
A lonely and frustrated spouse in despair.
Thank you, Dr. Bauman, for your tough love advice. My husband, a medical doctor himself, 73, and still practicing psychiatry, is in the anger phase of deafness adjustment. When I ask if he heard me when I provide an informative comment, he accuses me of criticizing him. Your advice to be patient is helpful. Like other writers, this man has had hearing aids and rejected their use after a few hours. Doing the tough love you suggest does put distance between us, however, and makes me feel mean and uncaring, as well as lonely.
I will give you a different perspective. I am a 70 yr. old man who has lost significant ability to hear in the higher frequencies (where women and children voices are found). I have difficulty with understanding what is said, not so much a volume thing, just clarity. When speaking with people who enunciate and separate their words, I have no problem. Increasingly I seem to find young people who speak fast and slur words and run them together making it very hard for me to understand. I admit I have a problem, but I would like for people who know I have some hearing loss to help out a little with clarity of delivery.
A year ago I tried hearing aids and made the decision at that time, the benefit was not worth the cost! In this past year, I have found myself not able to participate in conversations in public places and am now giving the hearing aids a second chance. I am hopeful they will improve my ability to hear everyone, but remain skeptical about their ability to help me understand them! I already notice sounds previously not heard, but most of that stuff is not necessary to hear ie. paper rustling, water rushing from the faucet, air noise in my car, etc.
I never knew my father before his significant hearing loss as a result of an illness. I learned to communicate with my dad by making sure to get his attention before saying what I wanted him to hear. I spoke with a strong, clear voice making sure to enunciate well and never speak without looking at him. This problem can be minimized with some assistance from the person delivering the message!
Thanks for allowing me to deliver another point of view on this matter!
Charlie, your problem is exactly the same as my husband’s, he has problems with understanding words and people who talk too fast and with women’s voices. The hearing aids have helped him tremendously WHEN he wears them, but he still has problems with people who talk fast.
I’ve been hearing impaired all my life and the last dr. I talked to said hearing aids would not likely help me much so I’ve given up
My wife is very frustrated with this problem I feel bad about it but not much I can do .
Hi Sam:
Why did you doctor say that hearing aids won’t help you?
When medical doctors tell you that hearing aids won’t help, they are typically wrong. If an audiologist (Au.D.) told you that, then typically they would be right. So the first thing to do is have a complete audiological evaluation by a qualified audiologist and see what she says.
Following that, you have probably 3 choices (besides doing nothing and giving up):
1. One brand of hearing aid or another will help you to some degree–and every bit is a blessing. Hearing aids work best when you are no more than 6 feet from the speaker and in a quiet environment.
2. You will be eligible for cochlear implants. CIs are a particularly good option if your discrimination scores are poor (below 40%).
3. You may find that certain assistive listening devices will help you significantly even though hearing aids don’t. This is especially true in difficult listening situations where noise and distance are factors.
In addition there are many effective coping strategies you can employ such as get close, always have the speaker facing you, have light on their faces so you can speechread them, cut out as much background sound as possible–e.g. turn the sound off on the TV when your wife wants to say something to you, etc., etc. I use these kinds of strategies all the time–whether I’m using my hearing aids or assistive devices or not.
Don’t just give up. There are things you can do to communicate better and easier.
Cordially,
Neil
I sympathize with the posters here because my husband wears his hearing aids to work and “important” meetings but not at home with me. I guess our relationship is not “important” enough. So the person who has been repeating everything three and four times for years is STILL repeating everything three and four times. When when I get upset about repeating so many times, he has the insensitivity to call ME impatient. It’s SO frustrating and I feel so isolated and resentful because the power for this to change all of this lies about twenty feet away in a hearing aid box. Ironic thing is I have to take care of his hearing aids because he can’t do it due to his arthritis yet he wears them for everyone but me.
Barb, my situation with my husband is the same as yours — he’ll wear his hearing aid for work and meetings, but not for me at home. He wants the TV and radio blasting so loud it literally hurts MY ears. For him to hear me, I have to stand right in front of his face, shout, and repeat myself two or three times. Sometimes I have to shout so loud it makes me start coughing. If I complain, he says I am not being “patient and understanding.” I cry a lot because I am so frustrated.
Hi. My husband has been doing the same thing for years. We’ve been married 29 yrs & his hearing has gotten to be nil. He keeps his hearing aid down around me & it makes me feel like he’d rather not communicate with me. I was an enabler for years & finally got fed up & stopped answering him when he’d question what was said. After repeating myself 4 times & coughing so much (asthma) i decided not to be his ears anymore. He gets mad but, oh well, my sanity & health matter too. And yes, because he cant hear, he makes horrible noises when eating. His breathing is loud, he bangs around, wants radio so loud it blows speakers, so no more radio. He guns engines so he can feel the vibration to know an engine is running. He says sounds hurt his head so he will not keep his hearing aid properly tuned. He actually removed this tiny tube extension that was placed inside the end of the part that goes into the canal & then lied about there ever being one there. I purchased an aid for our 25th anniversary from an older hearing assessment & the audiologist had to adapt it for more loss, hence the tube extersion inside the canal. He heard great, but said it gets on his nerves too much so he conveniently turns it down
Being able to talk about hearing loss, and hearing other comments, is like a breath of fresh air.
Thanks all.
My friend in his 70’s has hearing loss and too stubborn to wear his hearing aids that was a settlement from a claim of a previous position.
After 3 years I am so frustrated and angry as I have to repeat most of our conversations. He gets it wrong and does things, and makes plans, to do things for something he “thinks” I have said. This can be dangerous in some situations.
I am at a loss as I just don’t know what to do, and don’t want to see him anymore. I’ve had enough and beginning to lose sleep due to the frustration
Hi there, Lynnding and Barb. I completely understand both of your frustrations. I’m having the same problem with having to shout at someone who is in denial, but refusing to wear their hearing aids.
However, from your husbands perspectives, they probably doesn’t wear them at home due to how physically uncomfortable and alien they feel to someone who doesn’t wear them 24/7. Removing them allows them be in their natural state, the equivalent of taking off an uncomfy pair or shoes or clothing. Nobody puts hearing aids in based on how worthy those around them are!
If you went together, would your husbands wear hearing aids then?
I think you should both write a letter to them, explaining how it affects you. Writing it will give them time to actually take and process the info.
Why don’t you suggest spending certain times together where they wear their hearing aids? For example, evening meals, or Friday evenings, etc. Make it so they still have their own unwinding time, but so you can both spend quality time together (without having to shout in their faces!)
All the best.
My husband also mishears what i say and gossips about people with misinformation. Its really embarrassing & frustrating knowing how others must perceive the people he gosdips about. He’s so prideful about KNOWING what he thinks he hears. Its a real behavioral adjustment to not say anything you dont want misconstrued. Thanks for giving me this outlet to express my frustrations. Deaf people think everybody else should accommodate them even though they’re the minority. I understand patience & consideration are necessary but it’s a two way street in a relationship. Ours has deteriorated to where we speak as little as possible. These groups for deaf people treat the unimpaired disdainfully as if they are an elitist. My husband lives in a world of his own not willing to cooperate to improve & modify his hearing. He says “why should i be the one to make the effort to hear? Others should speak so i can hear them”. Thats partially true. People do not know what level of hearing works for him so its very selfish to make that remark.
My husband refuses to admit
to anything doing with his hearing. Several times a day he miss-hears what I am saying and then becomes very argumentative. We hardly speak any more. The relationship has turned into a war zone. I am a retired professional and it upsets me to hear him supposedly.”quoting” me in public. We are both in our eighties so divorce is a
tough solution?
Oh Barb, I never thought there could be another person who only wore his hearing aids to “important” things, like meetings and work….but not “at home for me”?? OMG I feel so unimportant and urespected and “put down” by his inability to hear or to take the advantage of any help to assist his hearing. I love him and feel for him, but it is just so debilitating to be blamed for everything including his anger which relate to his lack of hearing in situations. He tells me that our “problems” and demands that I have “anger issues” (which I do not) but he definately does. Im at my wits end and have sought relationship help to try and save our 42 year old relationship which is going out the window because of his hearing loss….. Im so sad.
I’m in the same situation. Been married 51 years. My husband doesn’t wear his hearing aide at home. It’s stressful watching him . I’m taking drugs for stress and depression.
Oh I wish I’d read these posts earlier!! I’m sooo glad I’m not alone in this, thank you, thank you, thank you, everyone.
My hubby was tested several years ago, (at his insistence) by our NHS and confirmed to him that he has serious hearing loss. He was provided with hearing aids but then refused to wear them!
After 18 months of continually stating he wanted to respond to a private advertisement offering free test and hidden hearing aids, I told him I would only agree to go, IF he wore them, IF he got them. He promised and the appointment was made, the testing done and it was revealed his hearing had deteriorated considerably. The hearing aids costs just under £3,000! For both ears, paid over 2 years monthly. AND HE STILL WON’T WEAR THEM!!!!
I feel angry at the waste when we are not financially able, hurt because he’s gone back on his promise and ruddy frustrated at having to repeat. I have taken the stand in now refusing to repeat but he then argues I mumble! I shall take onboard your suggestions of tough love, because he has vascular dementia and sleep apnea, refusing to use CPap machine. So my war and battles are 3fold!!!
Hang in there. Been there. Tell him “denial is not a river in Egypt” 🙂
I have same problems. We were married 5 years ago. I told my husband sort put your hearing or it will ruin our relationship ship. He did not and tells me I mumnle at him. I often have to shout. I’m fed up
I feel your pain, my partner of 42 years also has heart issues and sleep apmea. He has always used his machine until now, when it has need of a service and he won’t fix it so he snores all night and is tired and cranky and on top of that is SO deaf and refuses to wear his one remaining hearing aid that he only wears at “important” things….and blames me for all our misunderstandings based on me repeating everything 10 times a conversation, being blasted by loud volume on the TV and him saying “what are you going on about?” He even says “WHAT?” when I say good morning to him?? He cannot hear, and then makes up the rest of what he thinks he heard, which causes so much confusion and usually leads to an argument ….because I am confused??? OMG! It is such a selfish exsistence and one that is heartbreaking for those who love them. I have felt SO alone until finding this site. Thanks everyone for helping me to stop doubting my own sanity. xxxxxxxx
I forgot to mention that I get very excited to have company and people to talk to and have a conversation where I don’t have to repeat myself or explain everything …….We never go anywhere anymore and he doesn’t tell me when we are invited places ….so I think I miss alot?
Thank you.
I am married to my wife 49 years old. She had moderate hearing loss 10 years ago and will not get retested. We are having significant marital problems and she refuses to address the issue. Communication is the main problem and she hears things the opposite of how they occur and as a result it causes so much frustration and confusion. Tonight I told her to get a hearing test or I was filing. Not the best thing for sure. She refused, I am going to end up getting a divorce and breaking up our family because she is too prideful and stubborn. It runs throughout her family and she just refused to acknowledge. Am I wrong on this?
Hi Brian:
I’d hate to see your marriage (and family) break apart just because of her hearing loss when it doesn’t have to be that way.
You say your wife is stubborn. Maybe she is, but maybe there is a reason. Maybe she is scared silly that by admitting to a hearing loss and needing hearing aids or other assistive devices and employing hearing loss coping strategies will mean that she is less of a person and less desirable and is now stigmatized, etc.
Perhaps what she really needs someone who can help her work thnough these issues so she is willing to do things to improve communication between yourselves.
Does your wife want to break up the marriage over this? What does she say. You just gave her an ultimatum, not a point for discussion as to how to make things work.
If you both still love each other, you need a third party (counselor) to help you both work this communication problem out.
Cordially,
Neil
I am so glad I found this site. I googled “how to deal with husband’s hearing loss” and this showed up. I am 35 and him 41 and been married for 10 years. Everything I read above is exactly what we go thru. He pretends to hear things to convince me he hears ok. I can’t have a conversation with him unless am facing him directly. He answers questions wrong and especially in public and it’s embarrassing because I have to do “damage control” anf he gets upset because he doesn’t believe he misheard and sees it as me undermining him. which is extremely frustrating because all am doing is helping. I bought him 5000$ hearing aids that he never wore. He failed practical exam because he couldn’t hear instructions and refuses to admit that’s the problem. He even gets upset at our small children because they are innocent and say things like “dad why don’t you listen to me?” and accuses them of insulting him and calling him deaf ! our children are on my 3 and 5 years old ! God forbid if I bring up the topic or hint to him that he can’t hear. He accuses me of treating him like he’s disabled or sick or something. He gets so upset and depressed and am walking on eggshells everyday for fear I will upset him. there is so much more to say but I think you all understand. we are both young and I can’t see him changing. it hurts our marriage. and get this…. I am hard of hearing too !! (not as bad as him tho) but i accept it and ask for help and never get mad. I am not ashamed of it and ask people to repeat when I don’t hear them. my husband will NEVER admit it. Once my son was getting a checkups and doctor asked family history questions if anyone in family had hearing issues and I answered yes. my husband was SO upset. We are both physicians and this should be something that isn’t shameful and we have our own patients with other worse illnesses. He’s so sensitive that sometimes I prefer to stay silent. I am a very positive person and counsel others well. only person I seem to can’t help counsel is my own husband. It doesn’t seem to comfort him that I am in the same boat as him !!
Everyone around us knows he doesn’t hear but he’s in denial ! Once a person made a comment to him regarding his hearing and he is no longer that person’s friend. He just cut him off and curses him and even compares me to him if I mention anything about his hearing. Am getting tired and it’s only 10 years. 🙁
Thank you Dr. B for your valuable post.
Hi Rachel:
I certainly feel for you. We men can certainly be a stubborn lot when it comes to “health” issues.
Has he ever had a proper audiological evaluation?
Sometimes telling a person that he has a hearing loss doesn’t work because he knows that he hears things. So he can truly say, “I’m not deaf, so back off.”
A better way is to explain that he hears certain frequencies of sound well (typically the low frequencies where the volume of speech lies) but not the higher frequencies which are softer so harder to hear, yet are critical to understanding speech since most of the intelligibility of speech lies in these higher frequencies. The result is that he hears people just fine, but he can’t always understand what they are saying.
So never say, “You are hard of hearing” or “can’t hear” (even though it is true). Rather say, it seems you have a high-frequency hearing loss that makes it difficult for you to understand speech–especially the speech of women and children. At least, that softens the blow.
Apart from that, you need to back off and let him make his own mistakes. Maybe his poor hearing is going to end up hurting a patient and then he’ll be in a fix–that may shock him into accepting that he has some hearing loss. You just need to stay out of it–tough love, you know.
He has to be willing to admit his hearing loss and do something about it. I know you want to help him (and your marriage), but you can only do so much. You know the old saying, “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink.” But there is one thing you can do–make him DESIRE to drink. Salt his oats!
Cordially,
Neil
Hello everyone. As with many on this post I was googling how to deal with my hubbys hearing loss. My husband is 60 and I am 48. His hearing has declined rapidly over the last 12 months and he has been diagnosed with hearing loss and advised aids would make a significant difference to his life. As with the other posts the same things are happening. He doesn’t hear what I say so he makes up the story he has heard in his head. I also have to go into damage control time and time again. It’s exhausting. It’s heartbreaking to watch. He refuses point blank to wear hearing aids and denies he has any hearing loss. This is creating huge issues. Simple things in life we used to love like watching a movie is now impossible as he has the tv so loud my own ears hurt and inevitablely I end up going to bed to watch tv. He takes this as rejection from me. The walls vibrate it’s so loud but he still can’t hear it properly. In the last few eeeks I have noticed him withdraw. Immensely from normal conversation and life. And instead he is becoming angry angry man and is lashing out at me blaming it all on me. In particular I foolishly mentioned the fact that recently the sounds he makes when he eats is getting embarrassing and I have tried to explain this is because he can not hear the sounds he is making (which are primal and very unnerving ). It so bad I can’t actually be in the same room as him when he eats which of course is obvious to him and makes him more angry with me. I don’t know what to do. I love him with all my heart but I’m feeling the age difference for the first time in 8 years. But only because he won’t let me help him. I’m the kind of person that sees an issue or potential problem and let’s hit it head on and find solutions. But this only makes things worse. My poor husband is missing it on so much and his anger at the moment is just horrible. I don’t know what to do but am heartened by the fact I am not alone. This has to change as I am very very worried that things are now going to become even more difficult. He misses out on so much I formation by then to make it up is leading to all sorts of detrimental problems. He constantly says I never told him that or I didn’t say it like that. And then the story he reiterates is almost frightening. For example I have recently been very sick and had to have a week of work with pleurisy. He knows what is wrong and hat the doc said and X-rays etc but I over heard him saying to a friend I was just being a drama queen with a runny nose. When I questioned this and asked him what he bought was wrong with me he got angry and caused an argument so we didn’t have to discuss it. This is the way it seems he is dealing with his hearing loss. Like another poster we don’t go anywhere anymore. What’s the point he can’t hear me in a pub or a club and it’s emabressing repeating everything ten times. And I won’t go to eat out anymore because he eats like an animal quite frankly. The noise is so bad. I’ve suggested I film him so he can see for himself that I am not making this up but that went down like a lead balloon. I feel very lonely and lost. Even when I try to explain how I feel he has stared to just dismiss me and makes things up in his head as to why we have just had an argument and is making out that I am just a nag and why did he marry such a winger and so on and so forth. It’s devasating. Anyways. Thanks for listening guys.
My husband has spent over $15,000 in hearing aids, none of which he uses. His favorite word is “What”. I, too, try to get his attention, but even then he misunderstands and has difficulty processing. I should relate that he had a TIA (minor stroke) in 2005; however, the hearing is diminishing our communication and my patience. I have decided to walk away from him if I have done everything I can to communicate. He accuses me of “preaching” if I just want to have a conversation. Enough is enough. Obviously, he is in denial, as he is about many issues, so this is the best I can do without going completely crazy. Thank you.
My father went to an audiologist several years ago. When the audiologist molded my Dads left air, and went to remove the mold he couldn’t get it out. My Dad was in immense pain, so much so that he stood up and was screaming in pain, it was horrific. My Dad is a really tough guy. We took him to an ear doctor and found out his ear drum was punctured! He had to have surgery to fix it. He, of course did not sue. He also will never go to get a hearing aid again. He uses headphones to watch movies, but he’s getting really depressed. All of his siblings have now passed and he’s taking it hard. He doesn’t want to go to Catholic Mass anymore, because he can’t hear the reading, Gospel and Homily. This just make’s him so sad. I wish I could get him head phones that was hooked up to the churches audio system. Any advice?
Hi Francine:
That was a traumatic experience your dad went through. I can understand why he doesn’t want anything in his ears now.
The good news is that there are numerous devices he can use to hear in church with his headphones. There are two basic devices. One is essentially a pocket-style hearing aid that works by itself. The one is a device that hooks up to the churche’s sound system.
In the first class of devices is the PockeTalker 2. I use it myself in the church I am now attending since it works better for me than my fancy hearing aids do. You can see it at http://hearinglosshelp.com/shop/pocketalker-2-0/ . I typically use the super-directional handheld mic with the PockeTalker rather than the built-in mic. Depends on the distance and any background noise as to which I use. You can see the microphone I use at http://hearinglosshelp.com/shop/super-directional-handheld-microphone/ . Note that you can plug almost any headphones/earphones/earbuds into it as long as they have a 1/8″ (3.5 mm) plug on them. If they have a 1/4″ phono plug on them, then you’ll need an adapter to bring it down to the 1/8″ size needed.
In the second class of devices are FM systems and loop systems. If your church has an FM system installed, or a loop system, then you can use their receivers and plug his headphones into them (with an adapter if needed).
If the church has an installed loop system, then the PockeTalker 2.0 I mentioned above has a built-in t-coil so you can use it as a loop receiver–It works wonderfully well.
If they don’t have such systems installed, then you can purchase an FM system for yourself and have the FM transmitter hooked up to the churches sound board and it will work just fine.
You can see an inexpensive FM system that is excellent for stationary use like in a church at http://hearinglosshelp.com/shop/transportable-fm-personal-listening-system/ .
A much more sophisticated FM system that he could use in lots of other places as well is shown at http://hearinglosshelp.com/shop/comfort-contego-personal-fm-system/ . Note, the FM receiver in this system doubles as a PockeTalker as well so you wouldn’t need both.
Your dad should be able to hear very well with either of these systems. They sure work for me.
If you want further help/information, just ask.
Cordially,
Neil
I’m one of those on the other side of this fence. I ended up here to try to get some perspective on this and to get some advice hopefully on how to cope with my own hearing lose and maybe get advice on how to purchase hearing aids. I’ve been tested and found to have some lose on the high end of the spectrum. I knew it to be true, but thought it would help to see it in graph form. I was advised that although there was some loss in that high end it was not bad and I may or may not be helped by hearing aids. My audiologist loaned me a pair, programed them for me and sent me out to the middle of the mall there to test them out. There were a large number of food sample vendors out there just dying to talk to me, there was tons of background noise and they had no idea of what I was up to. Fair enough I thought. I could definitely see (hear) how they might be of help. But you really have no guarantee of that being a success. Go ahead, spend a thousand bucks and see what happens? My son, (18) says I have a problem hearing him, but he really does mumble and most everyone agrees with me on that. My wife doesn’t mumble, but she will speak to me from other rooms, or will start to speak to me as she leaves the room and then get angry when I can’t understand her. I don’t have a problem understanding most other people. I’m not against getting hearing aids. As I’ve said, I am exploring this, and that is why I ended up on this site. Now I haven’t looked at all the posts, but I have seen many and I’m amazed that they’re all about folks complaining about their spouses. Wow, what a devastating experience it must be to have to put up with someone else’s disability. I have a very good friend of nearly 50 years who has profound hearing loss. I can call him on the phone and have a conversation simply because he has a speech-to-text device hooked up to his phone. If I speak clearly and enunciate it “hears” me and he’ll read it. It’s tedious at times, but well worth the effort to keep that friendship alive. All I’m saying is even with hearing aids it could be tough to hear some folks. As far as the “I don’t know why someone would not want to hear music better”, well it just doesn’t work that way. I’ve tried a few hearing aids and their only usefulness would be for speech as far as I can tell. Ok. That’s my rant. I’m still in search for a solution to this, but I need advice from a pro, not a complainer.
Hi Mark:
I have written a number of articles (available on this website) relating to successfully living with your hearing loss. Go to http://hearinglosshelp.com and in the upper right side you’ll see a box “Select Category”. Click on it and select the “Coping Strategies” from the drop down box. This will bring up “blurbs” of all the articles relating to this category. There are 147 articles that will pop up. That should give you a lot of information on how to effectively deal with your hearing loss.
You may also want to read my short book, “Talking with Hard of Hearing People–Here’s How to Do It Right”. You can get it at http://hearinglosshelp.com/shop/talking-with-hard-of-hearing-people/ .
Cordially,
Neil
Very well stated! I also have hearing loss in both ears…congenital means born this way. I relate to what you shared and hearing aids are not for everyone. The hearing world have no idea what we go thru and think we are being stubborn not wearing hearing assisted devices. Thus is not a one size fits all solution and people need to be more understanding. After 56 years and still having to explain to some how my impairment works and does not work. If someone keeps coercing or pressuring me to do something about it…then there’s the door. I want a person who has compassion and respect for what I cannot change.
I’m in the same boat with all of you. My husband can’t hear so I must suffer. TV turned up and extra speaker beside his chair. He told me if I didn’t like how loud it was to put ear plugs in. I’m at the end of my rope 50 years of marriage and I can’t take much more. He has hearing aids but only wears them to church.
My husband’a Hearing was impaired in the Navy. After 48 years of marriage and yelling I finally convinced him to apply for a disability. Of course I did all the paperwork and phone calls. He now gets a monthly disability. He has tried 3 different hearing aids previously and rejected them. Today I begged him to learn a few signs for some words he hAs great difficulty with. Just to make my life a little easier. He wanted no part of it and said it is my fault for not getting his attention first before talking. I swear if my hearing goes bad I will not blame everyone else. My doctor says I am an enabler but I don’t know what else to do
There is this fantastic device for hearing the TV. I was going crazy with the horribly loud volume until the audiologist recommended this device. I don’t know if it works for all hearing aids, but it’s been a godsend to me. SIGNA STREAMLINE TV. The cost is a bit high, but worth it. $210.00. Not sure if all brands of hearing aids have something like this but it’s worth looking into. Now my neighbors can’t hear our TV.
Hi Nancy:
The Signia Streamline TV is a bluetooth adapter specifically for the Signia brand of hearing aids. So if you don’t have Signia hearing aids, it won’t help you.
However, the good news is that most of the major hearing aid brands have their own version that work similarly. For example, I have Oticon hearing aids and their equivalent product for using the TV is called the TV Adapter.
Since my wife and I have our own side-by-side TVs, we leave the volume on our TVs muted. I listen to my TV via the TV adapter and my wife listens to hers via the tcoils in your hearing aids and the loop system.
Since we both have Oticon aids, I can simply switch to tcoil mode and listen to her TV and likewise, she can switch to the TV adapter mode and listen to mine. This works well for us since we seldom watch the same shows but like to be together, not watching them in different rooms.
There are a number of different technologies you can use to hear your TV without disturbing other people in the same room.
Cordially,
Neil
I’m on the other side of this. My husband has worn hearing aids since he was a child….so about 65 years. Lately they don’t really seem to work as well as they should, and he shouts all the time and has the telly so loud it is painful for me . I feel battered and tired.
Can anyone suggest what I can do myself to dull the noise down? I can’t use earplugs as I can’t get them in my very narrow ear canals.
Hi Linda:
I think the first thing you should do (if your husband is willing) is to get him new, more powerful hearing aids if they will help him. And check his ears for earwax–that can make any hearing aid not work well.
Perhaps he can’t get a powerful enough hearing aid any more. If that is the case, he should investigate getting a cochlear implant. That should restore his hearing and reduce his speech level.
As for yourself, if ear protectors won’t fit in your ear canals, you can always wear the earmuff kind that go over your ears. They are much more obvious–but they could save your sanity, your ears and your marriage.
Cordially,
Neil
Neil, My husband has hearing loss and we’re learning to live with it. However I have very sensitive hearing and in the last few years find that the earplugs I’ve always used no longer offer sufficient protection from the loud volume in our home (his telephone calls, sudden shouts when he’s watching a sports match, etc). Do you have explicit information about the most effective earplugs or earmuffs?
Thanks.
Hi Mary:
You may not like what I am going to say, but I think that wearing your ear plugs all the time is making your ears ever more sensitive to louder sounds. That is why you think they are not very effective now. The result is that I think you now have hyperacusis. And the longer you wear them, the worse it gets.
So there are two things you need to do. One is only wear ear plugs when sounds are truly loud, not just for sounds you now perceive as loud but are not truly loud.
The second thing is that your husband needs to do something about his hearing loss. He could get hearing aids, or he could get a remote loudspeaker that he puts by his chair so he can hear the TV without blasting you out of the house. There are other assistive devices he could also use to help him hear and yet not bother you. He could do what I do for example. I keep my TV muted and listed via a loop system. My wife can’t hear a sound from my TV, yet I can have the volume at any level I want it. And she has her remote speaker that I can’t hear. Thus, we both sit side by side each watching our own shows and never interfering with each other. There are solutions out there, but you and your husband need to have the will to use them. You’ll get along better if you do.
Cordially,
Neil
Neil, I like your “tough love” approach to hearing loss. You are the first professional person I’ve read that advocates this. Most of the other advice I’ve seen on this subject encourages people to molly coddle their hard of hearing loved ones. We are told not to say things like “Never mind, that wasn’t that important.” when asked to repeat something for the umpteenth time. I’m thinking that if a hard of hearing person is told “Never mind…” enough and gets angry each time, eventually he or she will come around and get their behind to a doctor’s office to be checked out.
Hi Gail:
You need to help hard of hearing people–especially in the beginning when they don’t know they have a hearing loss–and when it becomes obvious to you that they do have a hearing loss, then encourage them to get their hearing tested and if they need hearing aids or other amplification devices, to get them.
It can take some time for this need to “sink in” so be patient. Also when the person realizes they do have a hearing loss, they need time to go through the grieving process. They won’t be amenable to hearing aids until they go through the denial, anger, bargaining, grieving and finally reach the acceptance stage.
The wisdom is knowing when it is time to quit enabling them in their refusal to help themselves by getting hearing aids or other amplification devices.
Cordially,
Neil
I am 76 and husband 83. We have a terrible relationship due to his stubbornness with regard
to hearing loss. He misquotes me in public, doesn’t like to communicate and refuses to have his hearing tested. Many fights and misunderstandings, to the point that I am on the verge of leaving. I am blamed for so many
misquotes(in public) that if I were younger I would be out the door. Fortunately, I have my own resources. Thanks for listening with your eyes. Misery loves company.
Hi Joan:
It’s so hard to get some men to admit they have a hearing loss. Unfortunately, your husband is one of them.
You need to get him to WANT to do something about his hearing.
How about writing him a letter and spell it all out–that you are thinking of leaving him and give a date you’ll move out if he doesn’t change. I assume you are the cook, etc. Let him know that he’d then be responsible for all the cooking, cleaning, buying groceries etc. (all the things you probably do). Maybe that will be enough to shock him into action. If not, moving out for a trial period of a month or two may bring him to his senses.
I wish you well.
Cordially,
Neil
I have read your suggestions. The main help is knowing so many partners share my experience of living with someone in denial over hearing loss. We have been in a solid loving relationship for 56 years. This problem is a massive change to the relationship dynamics. I have become very quiet and avoidant. It is the paranoia that is the worst aspect of hearing loss. My husband can’t hear what I say, so he makes up a nasty negative translation and insists that is what I said. How do you deal with bad ghosts that don’t exist? Oh well. I am a Pollyanna and always find positives
Bless the insight into the lives of unfortunate partners suffering paranoid delusional disorder.
I know that hearing loss is common, but I didn’t know my problem was so common as well.
My wife has been losing her hearing over a period of about 5 years, and I’m at my wits end with trying to convince her to get hearing aids for everyone’s sanity. It’s gotten to the point where she will physically walk up to me and ask me what I said. Very similar to many of the confessions above. I’ve tried the tuff love scenario, but she just blames me for not accommodating her. She’s a Nanny for a couple with two children, and I worry about what could happen if one of the children was hurt and she couldn’t hear them.
I have three grown children and they all notice that it’s gotten worse. Two of them don’t live with us, and one is about to move our. Soon I’ll be left alone to deal with it. Over these years my hearing / tinnitus / ringing has gotten worse at times, so I know mine is failing slowly as well. I’ve had tinnitus since I was young from working in loud places and being too close to loud noises. Her loss is genetic, as her mother is older and has hearing aids. My mother in-law blames the hearing aids for more rapid loss of hearing, and tells my wife to not use them. Her husband passed away before she had hearing aids, so she cannot relate to the circumstance I deal with on a daily basis.
Her friends mention it to me, and I tell them that she’s in denial and ask them to help me. So far, that hasn’t worked.
My wife is stubborn, even with tuff love, and I fear my relationship with her is becoming less loving every day. I’m starting to avoid her and getting out of house as much as I can. I work at home while she’s gone, so there’s no issues, but when she stops working soon, I’ll have to deal with it constantly.
I’m starting to feel guilty in some ways. I question if I’m not compassionate enough to endure it.
She’s only 60, and I’m 62. We have a lot of life left, and I’m not sure I can endure it that long. I’m depressed most of the time now, and looking for a way out.
Hi John:
I understand that business about losing your hearing and so you have to walk up to the person speaking in order to hear/understand what they were saying. In fact, my wife and I have to do this all the time. At least this shows she is trying to cope with her hearing loss (and in a quite effective way I might add) as getting close–whether physically or electronically (via hearing aids) is the best all time coping strategy.
Convincing a person they can’t hear and need to get their hearing loss attended to can be a mite frustrating.
This is because hearing loss is sneaky. It typically sneaks up on us so gradually over several years or decades that we aren’t even aware we are losing our hearing at the time. This was the case with “Larry” and his wife “Elizabeth”. Maybe you can relate.
“Larry” was concerned that his wife, “Elizabeth,” was losing her hearing although she heatedly denied it. Exasperated, Larry went to an ear specialist. “Doctor,” he said, “What can I do to prove to my wife that she needs to get her hearing attended to?”
The specialist suggested, “Stand some distance behind her and ask her a question. If she doesn’t answer, keep moving closer and repeating the question until she answers. Then you will know just how bad her hearing is.”
Later, at home, Larry saw Elizabeth making supper at the kitchen counter. From the living room he called, “Honey, what’s for supper?” As he expected, there was no reply.
So he moved closer—into the dining room—and called again, “Honey, what’s for supper?” Still no reply.
He then moved closer, and stood in the kitchen doorway, and asked for the third time, “Honey, what’s for supper?” He was shocked when again there was no reply. He knew her hearing was bad, but he had no idea her hearing was that bad.
Finally, moving up behind her, Larry asked yet again, “Honey, what’s for supper?”
Turning to face him she answered, “Spaghetti and meat balls—I said—for the fourth time!”
That’s how Larry learned he had a significant hearing loss!
Make sure you aren’t “Larry” to some degree. You admit to having some hearing problems. They might be worse than you realize. So, it would be a step in the right direction if you go to an audiologist and have your hearing checked. Actually, you want what is called a “comprehensive hearing evaluation”.
You may find that you also need hearing aids. So getting them for yourself and hearing better will hopefully go a long ways to getting your wife to change her mind.
Even better would be for you both to go and have your hearing evaluated at the same time. My guess is that you BOTH have significant hearing losses. You can’t expect to communicate effortlessly as before. You need to get close, get the other’s attention, have eye contact so you can speechread, have the light on your face, also so you can speechread (lipread). When you do this, you’ll find that communicating is ever so much easier–whether you both have hearing aids or not.
From what you say, I don’t see how your wife has a genetic loss if only her elderly mother has a hearing loss. Hereditary losses typically run in families so you’d expect siblings, aunts/uncles and/or cousins to also have hearing losses. You don’t mention this fact.
When hearing aids are not properly fitted–and some statistics show that the majority aren’t fitted properly, the recipients don’t like to wear them, especially if there are other noises around. The fault isn’t in the hearing aids but in the sloppiness of the fitters.
Your wife is also listening to her mom–and since she hasn’t had a good fitting, blames her increasing hearing loss on her hearing aids rather on the fact that she is getting older and is losing her hearing from that. Add to that are drugs that damage hearing. There are hundreds of drugs that cause increasing hearing loss–and elderly people typically are taking a handful of drugs every day and don’t realize that the drugs are wrecking their ears. I run across this all the time.
Instead of tuff love, get both of you on the same side–WE are losing our hearing, and let’s go and get our hearing checked. As I said, you may be surprised how much you’ve already lost yourself. (And men lose hearing at a rate about 10 faster than women do.)
As I said before, effortless hearing is a thing of the past now. You both will have to make an effort to communicate. This means no talking from another room and expecting the other other to hear and understand what is being said.
The proper way to do this is that the person INITIATING the conversation (no matter how short) needs to get up and go to the other person, get in their face so to speak, and then begin talking. My wife and I do this with EVERY conversation–otherwise it is an exercise in futility and frustration.
Be aware that hearing aids help, but do not give you perfect hearing so you may still have to do this even when wearing hearing aids. I have to. You may find that you and your wife will also have to.
See if you can relate to some of what I’ve said above. Don’t give up on your wife and your marriage!
Cordially,
Neil
This is ridiculous. I have been in the same situation for several years and it is getting much worse. My husband refuses get hearing aids, and everyone else, he basically shouts instead of talks. I too fear it is affecting my work and personal life.
I am done being an enabler. He has good health insurance, and financial means to take care of himself.
I am leaving to save my sanity and health. No mas.
I wish I could leave. My Husband is ill and has profound hearing loss and insists it’s only ear wax!